a part of my story unfolding…

Growing up the things that were provided in varying degrees were finances, food, shelter, schooling and spirituality.
However, the validation through emotions – never…
Never sought me out, asking “how was your day? How are you doing?” which led me to internalize the question “am I worth being heard? Do I as a person matter?” Instead of questioning the reason behind the lack of it from my environment…I assessed that in order to gain the worth/validation I desired, I would need to pursue it.

I was born with lazy eye, “beauty marks”, “dumbo” ears and an under-bite. And whatever my parents could change, they tried to. Not out of “ill-will” but with great intentions of hoping that I overcome my “born deficiencies”. As one parent states, “I have researched otoplasty extensively because I know this procedure is inevitable if my daughter is to not be ridiculed by her peers.” (http://www.plasticsurgery4u.com/pt_qna_folder/pt_qa_ear_pinback.html)

Many of my parents decisions were done in light of helping me have a “better life”. However I internalized the message that: ‘YOU’ (prior to having any control) don’t measure up. What isn’t your fault, now is, and yours to fix. So fix yourself to “earn” or “get” what you are born to desire…validity/approval.

Performance dominated my life because I needed to create something that would minimize the aspects of myself that aren’t “good”. I would put on this presentable self. For the lazy eye, I compensated by adjusting the way I sat and also whom I would speak to at the dinner table…ignoring those that sat on my left side because it would not appear as if I would be looking at them, even though I was. For my ears, I would never tie up my hair. For my under-bite, I’m careful not to show my full smile in pictures. So in order to compensate I increased socially…I taught myself to assess situations and learned how to be at least approved by the approved crowd. All so that I could validate that I’m “OK” and worth something. I yearned the approval that I wasn’t a mistake. I hadn’t clung to the promises/truths in Psalm 139:

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I turned “approval/validation” into my god.

In every aspect of life I would do anything to gain approval/validation.
I did well in school so that my parents would “like” me (because sometimes I needed to know that I was “liked” as well as “loved”)
I refrained from things I performed poorly in (i.e. volleyball) so that I wouldn’t draw the negative attention of others.
I went too far physically in my relationships (placing the perspective of my boyfriend above what I valued)
I led things at church (being a “good Christian” when I knew someone was looking and then living my life “under the ‘validating’ eye of whoever was around”)
I led a Christian fellowship at school (mostly because they encouraged me to and asked me to lead)
I even went on a missions trip…
And that was when God had had enough.

Just like the bleeding women incident in Mark 5:25-34

25And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. 26She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. 27When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, 28because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” 29Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
30At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”
31″You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”
32But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

She had spent all her time and energy trying to fix something that had “happened” to her. And with her limited knowledge of how Jesus “worked” – she stepped out and touched His cloak to be healed. And she was.

And many times in my life I will reach out to touch the “cloak to be healed”…over and over again, I reached out to these random sources to be validated. And kept missing the ultimate source of healing.

I love that in a crowd, Jesus stopped and asked “who touched me?” If he hadn’t the woman may have walked away the rest of her life thinking that she had saved herself. Jesus knew he needed to make that connection between the cloak and the healer.

On my mission trip, that is exactly what Christ did. He stopped me in my tracks and lit up Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
While I was a sinner…someone that hated what God stood for, despised Him, rebelled against Him, actively chose to hate him – Christ died so I could have a chance at the abundant life. I could stop striving to validate my existence. I was deeply loved and valued.

What’s been odd about the affect of being a Christian is that God hasn’t taken away my desire for approval or validation. In fact He’s increased it…to a magnitude that I can’t control…because then I know I must seek Him in those moments to fill my void…because only He can satisfy.  In my awareness of the capacity being increased…I can now correctly view the “fillers/touches of the cloak” in the proper perspective…as temporary-numbing-devices and not as my rescuers.

10 Comments

• 
  Maggie October 8, 2010 at 12:54 am

  Thanks for sharing Mei Ling~ thank you for your amazing testimony!

  Reply
• 
  Clarence October 8, 2010 at 9:18 am

  Mei, thanks for sharing this once again. I’m amazed at how God touched your life and now, your story has touched mine. You are amazing!

  Reply
• 
  Jonathan Chan October 8, 2010 at 10:09 am

  Awesome Mei Ling … Thanks for sharing your story.

  Reply
• 
  Glennis October 8, 2010 at 10:15 am

  Amen, amen! PS, you are beautiful, inside and out!

  Reply
• 
  Shelly October 11, 2010 at 9:53 pm

  thanks for sharing mei! you and your words are beautiful. miss you~

  Reply
• 
  Patricia October 12, 2010 at 2:28 am

  thanks for sharing Mei! so beautiful and touching.

  Reply
• 
  kevin October 14, 2010 at 12:55 pm

  Powerful. Thank you for sharing

  Reply
• 
  Ben in Texas October 14, 2010 at 2:41 pm

  Give Him the glory!! Thanks Mei Ling.

  Reply
• 
  steve October 20, 2010 at 9:12 pm

  Gripping testimony, and I’m still in the middle of reading it. I admire your security in Christ. You’re an inspiration.

  As I continued reading, further gripped. Humbled at his grace.

  Saddened by what happened – joyous at how you found acceptance in Christ – humbled by being able to identify with the need for Him.

  You’re awesome!

  Reply
• 
  Sulisa October 28, 2010 at 10:34 pm

  Astonishing testimony, thank you so much Mei! I continually praise the Lord for how He’s been working in and through you!

  Miss ya!!!

  Reply